Neville Longbottom and the Philosophers Stone
by lemonybatman
Summary: What would have happened if Neville was the boy who lived, not Harry? Welcome to the dysfunctional world of Hogwarts. Warning: Do not read if you have a fear of slash. Image courtesy of Cloudninja9 on Deviantart.
1. Neville Longbottom and the Pancakes

**Before I start this story I would like to thank my beta Hades who dosnt have an account on here but is just overly epic nontheless. Also, I don't own Harry Potter or any of the random characters that come into it. Hope you enjoy it!**

**Neville Longbottom and the Philosopher's Stone**

**Chapter 1**

A giant on a huge motorbike flew down from the dark, night sky and pulled a baby from the back. He was greeted by a man with a long white beard and a woman, both wearing robes. They placed him gently on the doorstop to his Gran's house leaving him in the middle of the night, in the freezing cold and didn't even bother to ring the doorbell before they left.

**10 years later (massive time jump)**

"_NEVILLE" _

He woke suddenly and went downstairs, into the living room where his Gran was sitting.

"I want pancakes" she announced.

"..."

"..."

"You don't like pancakes, Gran."

She glared at him and he ran into the kitchen and began making her pancakes. After a few minutes, he walked back into the room with them.

"I don't want pancakes anymore."

"Of course you don't." he sighed.

"It's my birthday and I want to go to the muggle Zoo." Neville was confused.

"Gran, it's not your birthday and you don't like muggles."

"Shut up and get your jacket. And deal with those pancakes."

"OK, Gran."

Neville went and got his jacket and returned to the room to stand with his Gran, absent-mindedly munching half a pancake. They stepped in to the fireplace together and she picked a bit of floo powder and yelled the address. They appeared in the fireplace in the reptile house.

Neville stepped out the fireplace, wondering why the hell there was a fireplace in the middle of a muggle Zoo. As he turned to ask his Gran he saw that she had already run off and was yelling at a crocodile to give her its skin so she could make a bag. She was like that. Sighing and shaking his head Neville wandered off to check out the rest of the reptile house.

He saw a boy by the snake enclosure with a scar just like his. He ran up to him.

"OMG, we have the same scar."

The boy just glared at him. Internally that boy was thinking _"Son of bitch stole my look. And who the hell says OMG in real life?"_

Neville however was thinking _"He looks like he's gonna kill me."_

Before Neville or the other boy could say anything else to each other, Neville was suddenly grabbed by the ear and before he knew it, his Gran was dragging him back to the fireplace. Looking back at the boy, he swore he saw him talking to the snake. He was crazy.

**The next day**

Neville had just got his acceptance letter into Hogwarts and was already shopping in Diagon Alley with his gran. He had just picked up all his books in Flourish and Blotts and was looking for his gran to pay for them but realized that she had disappeared. Again. He paid for the books himself and stepped outside the shop when something slimy and squishy, slammed into the side of his head. Peeling it off his face, he found it to be a toad. Looking up to see were it came from, he saw his gran 10 shops down glaring at him.

"IT'S CALLED TREVOR"

She then turned and scuttled off, leaving Neville to make his own way back home. Again.

**At the platform**

Neville was walking down the platforms with his gran, trying to see platform 9 and ¾. When he turned to ask her where it was, she had disappeared. Again. He wished that she would stop doing that.

He was now standing between platforms 9 and 10 completely confused when a family of redheads showed up.

The two twins rattled something off about how one of them is Fred and the other is George but not to bother trying to learn which ones which, before they ran through the wall. Neville turned to the women he assumed to be their mother.

"Excuse me, how do you get onto the platform?" The woman turned to glare at him.

"..."

"..."

"Run through the bloody wall, you idiot!"

Cowering away from the woman, Neville ran through the wall pushing his trolley in front of him. Once he was through, he stopped to stare at the amazing world through the wall and look at the normal looking train when something hard rammed into his back.

"OWW"

"BLOODY MOVE!"

Neville turned to see the red head boy standing half way through the wall.

"OWW! GINNY STOP KICKING ME AND YOU, MOVE OUT THE BLOODY WAY!"

Neville moved out of the way of the screaming redhead, who then stalked past him muttering about him being a twat. Neville made his way onto the train with his toad muttering about how the boy was a bastard.

**On the train**

As Neville sat down on the train, the redhead boy came and sat in his compartment with him.

"I'm Ron. Ron Weasley."

"... Hello"

"You're Neville Longbottom, right? The boy who lived?"

"...err ...Yeah"

"Wanna be friends?"

"Erm...okay?"

"Cool, do you have any chocolate?"

Neville looked side to side before getting a chocolate bar out of his bag. Without saying thank you, he snatched it and began eating.

Then a frizz ball walked in and made fun of Ron.

Neville took this opportunity to throw his toad out the door and hope that no one noticed but the frizz ball noticed and went after it. Damn.

When they got off the train they met a giant.

"MY NAMES HAGRID"

"Why are you yelling?"

"IM NOT YELLIN, WHY ARE YOU WISPERIN?"

All the students looked round at each other in confusion. Neville saw that boy with the scar that he saw at the zoo. He was holding hands with a blond lad. Weird.

As they got into the boats, Neville noticed that the frizz ball got in his and Ron's boat trying to sit next to Ron. She obviously fancies him.

At the castle they met a witch called McGonagall. She was telling them about the ceremony thingamajig, when the frizz ball nudged him and pointed at the toad and the witch's feet. Damn. He put a smile and dived forward screaming Trevor. He bloody hated this thing. McGonagall stared at him, and he looked up at her, feeling the anger. Oops.

The double doors then opened and they all walked forward to be put into their houses or well, put on tables anyway.

**Hope you liked the first chapter of the story. It's my first story, so please no flaming.**


	2. Neville Longbottom and the Transvestite

**Thanks to all who reviewed and thanks again to my beta hades! she's epic! **

**warning: you may end up mentally disturbed after this chapter!**

**disclaimer: I dont own harry potter or any of the characters *cry* if I did I would be living in a floating mansion in space.**

**Chapter 2**

The huge double doors opened into a giant hall. As Neville walked through, he noticed that there were 4 different tables, one dressed in bright yellow, all grinning in a sort of hyperactive way. One table was full of kids dressed in black (all Goths) with a little bit of blue. One was dressed in red and one dressed in lime green.

One by one their names were called out. As Neville's name was called he went forward and sat on the stool.

"Gryffindor or Slytherin?"

"Aren't you supposed to choose?"

"Aren't you supposed to be not fat?"

"..."

"..."

"Uh... Gryffindor?"

"GRYFFINDOR" Yelled the hat.

As Neville went and sat down in his seat, the red headed boy Ron was called up.

"GRYFFINDOR" Yelled the hat immediately.

"Aw crap" Neville muttered as the boy came and sat next to him asking for more chocolate.

Then the copycat from the zoo was called. "Harry Potter"

He went and sat on the stool and was asked what Neville had been asked. His head slowly turned to look at Neville. He glared. Neville was kind of scared.

"Slytherin"

"SLYTHERIN"

The boy went off to his house and was followed by the boy he was holding hands with before named Draco Malfoy. The hat didn't even touch his head to know that Draco was a Slytherin. It was probably the lime green scarf.

Once the sorting was done, Dumbledore stood up to give his annual speech.

"Welcome all new students, and welcome back all old students! First we shall begin with singing the school song!"

Neville looked around and saw that all the students except the first years banged their heads on the tables. Dumbledore raised his wand to begin the music.

A song blasted out and everyone groaned as Dumbledore started to strut around the stage.

"I'm to sexy for my shirt

Too sexy for my shirt

So sexy it hurts"

All the students looked on in horror as the old man bumped and grinded to the song.

As he looked upon the students he froze.

"Sorry, wrong song."

With a flick off his wand it changed to something even worse.

"How do you do" Dumbledore sang as he ripped off his robes to reveal women's lingerie.

"I see you've met my faithful handyman" he said gesturing towards Snape.

Suddenly a first year boy dressed in neon colours jumped up and yelled "WOOO GO DUMBLEDORE"

The boy was sat at the Ravenclaw table. All the kids at the table turned to glare at him as they all pulled out their knives from their clothes. But the boy didn't notice as he was to busy doing pelvic thrusts with Dumbledore.

"I'm just a sweet transvestite

From transsexual Transylvania"

A throat cleared and the music stopped and everyone turned to where McGonagall was standing. She glared at Dumbledore who strutted back to the stage in his heels, looking annoyed, and let everyone get on with their dinner.

As Neville and Ron were about to start eating the frizz ball came and sat opposite them. Ron groaned.

"I'm Hermione. Hermione Granger." The two boys just looked at her.

Then, the two red headed twins from the platform slid in next to them.

"I'm Fred"

"And I'm George"

"Not really, I'm George"

"And I'm Fred"

"But if you're Fred and I'm George, then that must mean that you're Gred."

"No, you're Gred, I'm Forge."

"I wanna be Forge."

"Fine ya retard, I'm staying as George."

"..."

"..."

"Wait, what?"

The three first years just looked up at them in confusion, whilst everyone else carried on eating. They'd all met Fred and George before. Eventually the houses made their way to their common rooms. Neville got slightly lost, and looked for someone to ask. He saw Dumbledore. He realised that he could probably find his own way.

**Thanks for reading! doesn't that review button just look so sexy! poke it! you know you want to...**

**And remember, I warned you that you might end up mentally disturbed. So don't try and sue me.**


	3. Neville Longbottom and the Evil Bunnies

**Here is next chapter of Neville Longbottom. Thanks to my beta hades, you rock. I hope everyone likes it. After this I will update quicker to give you the halloween chapter and then the musical christmas chapter.**

**Hades requested the blink-182 bit.**

**Disclaimer- I do not own anything except my twisted ideas. GO PINK BUNNIES!**

Chapter 3

The next day Neville woke and went to breakfast. As he sat down the frizz ball came and sat next to him. _Damn it. _He turned away from her and incidently ended up facing dumbledore dancing with the ravenclaw lad to YMCA while they were dressed up as the builder and the cop. Sighing he turned back to Hermione.

"I can't wait for the post to arrive" she said.

Neville just looked back and forth wondering where the hell that came from. Just then, Ron walked in looking very pissed off. He sat down next to Neville and glared at him.

"Where the hell is my chocolate?" he demanded

"..."

"..."

"Err...what chocolate?"

Ron just stared at him blankly and turned to look at the food on the table.

"Ooh look, sausages!" he exclaimed.

"OMG I'M SO EXCITED! AREN'T YOU EXCITED?" Hermione gushed.

"Err...what's so exciting?" Neville asked confuzzled.

Hermione started squealing like a pig then as hundreds of owls flew through windows that weren't there a second ago. The owls landed in front of people and gave them letters. Neville then understood that this was what Hermione was talking about.

*SPLAT*

The noise echoed around the room and everyone turned to see what it was. All the students had owls, but Neville had a toad. Trevor had just fallen through the window at the top of the wall and landed on the floor. Amazingly it wasn't dead. Neville cursed its survival under his breath as the slime ball hopped down the table (landing in everyone's breakfast) towards him.

It had a parcel strapped to its neck and it seemed to be strangling it. Neville contemplated over whether he should just leave it on and let it die but seeing as though everyone was watching he took it off and opened the packet.

Inside was a letter from his gran.

_Dear disappointment _

_Seeing as though you're an absolute idiot, I have enclosed a present for you. And no it is not edible. It is called a "stupid/smartarse alarm". Every time you do or say anything stupid it starts flashing and screaming "NEVILLE IS A DIPSHIT" and if you do anything smart it will scream "LOOK AT ME, I'M A SMARTARSE". _

_I hope you like it, love Gran._

Neville sighed and put the alarm in his pocket and headed to first lesson. But as he walked out the hall he was suddenly ambushed by a mob of pink and yellow bunny rabbits throwing eggs at him.

It was potions first and it was Gryffindor's joint with Slytherin's. As they walked into the classroom, Neville saw Harry and waved. Harry dived and hid under a desk as Neville scrapped off the remaining yolk from the bunny attack.

A creepy looking man with extremely greasy hair walked into the room.

"I am Professor Snape, open your books and make any potion. I want to see what level you are all at".

Everyone immediately began to make their potions. Neville stuck with an easy one called "Toad poison". Ron began to make one that turned whatever is dropped into it into chocolate. Hermione began to make one that when poured on the floor, summoned the pourers favourite fictional character and harry and draco were simply making out under the desk.

At the end of the lesson, Neville still had a damned toad, Ron was eating a chocolate bar that still had some potions pages in it and Hermione was gushing over her summoned Anakin Skywalker.

"Well done to those who succeeded, which is everyone except Longbottom." Snape said in his cold voice"

As he said this Neville's alarm went off and he banged his head down on the table.

"NEVILLE IS A DIPSHIT, NEVILLE IS A DIPSHIT, NEVILLE IS A DIPSHIT..." it went on and on.

"How do you turn this bloody thing off?" Neville screamed as he pulled it out of his pocket.

"Face it Neville, your just gonna have to live with being called a dipshit your entire life" Hermione said as she began to stroke Anakin's arm.

The bell went and Snape whipped his wand and Anakin disappeared, making Hermione sink to the floor and begin to cry.

Everyone in the class made their way to the Quidditch pitch and as they walked down the corridor 3 naked guys ran past them singing "whats my age again" with Dumbledore running after them still wearing his poice outfit.

One of them ran over to Neville and yelled "Save me!"

"We just got out of his office after 5 long years of wearing tight leather pants."

One of them turned round and said "Actually, I quite liked the leather pants."

"GAY!" the other two yelled.

While they were arguing, Dumbledore had put chains onto their dog collars and was dragging them back to his office.

"NEVILLE IS A DIPSHIT, NEVILLE IS A DIPSHIT, NEVILLE IS A DIPSHIT..." Neville sighed as Hermione tried every spell she knew to get it shut up. As you can see it was failing miserably.

Madam Hooch walked onto the pitch and looked at Neville and sighed. After that the lesson continued normally until the point where Neville somehow ended up on the roof.

"DON'T JUMP!" everyone yelled. They all thought he was suicidal.

"I'M NOT GOING TO!" he yelled back. _Why do they all think I want to kill myself?_

Then randomly out of nowhere Ron yelled up "DO A FLIP!"

Slowly everyone turned to glare at him. "What?" he said in a defensive voice.

Everyone just shook there head and turned back to Neville. Suddenly he had the most brilliant idea ever. He pulled the alarm out of his pocket that was still screaming and threw it. It collided with the ground and smashed into a million pieces. Neville started to break dance and "here it is, merry christmas" began to play out of nowhere. "Hey does anyone know where Trevor is?" he yelled down but in his victory dance he slipped and fell to the ground.

He awoke in the hospital wing. He looked to the side and saw Ron sitting there eating chocolate that clearly had been labelled with "_D__ear Neville, get well soon". _

"What time is it?" Neville asked in confusion.

"Time for third period, you missed break" Neville just sighed and thought about staying in bed but when he saw a yellow bunny sitting beside his bed with blood red eyes he decided to go to lessons. He climbed out the bed and went on his way to his next lesson with Ron trailing behind him with his arms full of chocolate.

"Oh yeah and by the way, you're the seeker for the Quidditch team." Ron said through a mouthful of chocolate.

"WHAT? How? Why?" Neville asked.

"Because Harry is in Slytherin so therefore he became Slytherin seeker and also you're the only one in Gryffindor that could get off the ground."

"Damn"

**HOPE YOU LOVED IT! Sorry I didnt notice I was writing in capitals there.**

**And remember, the only way to save blink-182 is to review.**


	4. Neville Longbottom and the goddamn gnome

**Hello and welcome to the fourth chapter in the Neville Longbottom story! My beta cant check my chapters for me at the moment but ah well, Hades is still a sexy beast!**

**WARNING: The ending is extremely scary. You have been warned.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own harry potter or any of the characters but I can make them do what I want. I also do not own any of the songs that pop up randomly or any random references. **

**Also thought you'd like to know that at one point I just change everyone's name because I got bored. You'll know what I mean when you get there. Enjoy.**

Chapter 4

It was October 31st and everyone at Hogwarts was sitting down for the festive feast. Everyone was dressed in their costumes. Hermione was dressed in Lady GaGa's Kermit the frog dress, Ron was dressed as a slug and Neville was dressed as a ballerina.

"Err...Hermione, why are you wearing frogs?" asked Ron, who had never heard of Lady GaGa.

"BECAUSE I LOVE FROGS!" Hermione screamed as she jumped up onto the table and began singing "Just Dance"

Ron and Neville just looked at her and eventually the entire hall was watching her. Dumbledore then ran into the hall and onto the table and began dancing with her. He was dressed as a sexy nurse.

At the end of the song they both got down off the table and everyone carried on as if nothing had happened.

Fred and George then came and sat with the three of them. Fred was dressed in complete black with white foundation and black eyeliner and George was wearing a red sequined dress.

"Err... George, why are you wearing a dress?" Ron asked in a confused voice.

"Because it makes me feel beautiful!" he replied.

"Ok...and Fred, why are you dressed as a Goth?"

"Because it's Halloween idiot! Although, I really like the eyeliner! I think I might become a full time Goth"

"But you can't! I love you too much to let you go over to the dark side!" George said dramatically as he stood up.

"What the hell! The dark side? What is this star wars?" Fred said looking at his brother.

"DUDE! We aren't supposed to know what star wars is! We're pure bloods!" George yelled.

Fred just sighed and started eating and so did George. Everyone ate for a few minutes without disruption before professor flying squirrel ran in screaming. At this point, Neville was getting very pissed off and threw down his fork and began screaming obscenities at the teacher and had to have George and Fred pull him off the teacher and cover his mouth. Finally the teacher was able to say what was wrong.

"THERE'S A GNOME IN THE DUNGEON!" he screamed. Everyone just sat their for a moment before jumping up and screaming except for Draco who was running around with his hands in the air squealing while dressed up as a cheerleader. He had harry chasing after him who was dressed up as butterfly.

All the Ravenclaw's where unfazed by this and just sat there sniggering and high fiving each other. Except for the hyper neon kid who was skipping up and down the hall singing "The Laughing Gnome" before Fred stuck his leg out and tripped him up. He looked up and saw a beautiful Goth girl with blonde hair. Her name was...Luna. Although she's not in this book so she got ate by fang.

Neville, Ron and Hermione all ran out the hall and somehow found themselves in the girls bathroom.

"How the hell did we end up here?" Neville asked in frustration.

"Well this is only the fourth chapter, so were bound to get lost." Hermione explained.

"Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe" they all screamed at the sound of high pitched laughter coming out of the end stall. The door opened and out came (AN:pause for dramatic effect) a gnome. (AN:dun dun DUN bet you didn't see that coming!) He was pure evil! With his pointed red cap and black sunglasses and white beard.

It began singing "I'm too sexy for your lawn" the three of them groaned.

"Dumbledore's already sang that one" Ron informed him.

"Oh" it said in a high voice. "Well he stole off of me!"

Suddenly it began to waddle up and down and started singing "Heigh-ho".

Neville was getting really pissed off now and screamed. The gnome stopped singing and looked at the fat kid.

"Do you mind? I was in the middle of a song" the gnome said in an offended tone

"KICK THE BABY!" Neville yelled as he ran forward and kicked the gnome right through the window and into the black lake.

"Holy shit" Rum whispered.

"OMG Neville! You broke a window! I'm telling your nan!" said haemorrhoids.

Navel just turned to look at her as all the teachers ran into the bathroom.

"What happened in here?" Mcgoogle demanded.

"We got lost and ended up in here somehow and so Neville got pissed off and kicked the gnome out the window and hit the giant squid on top of the head with it. Oh yeah and Neville, it may be a good idea for you to stay away from the lake for a while. Just saying." Said Ron while eating some stolen chocolate.

"Well it is very impressive that you didn't hurt your foot in those ballerina pumps Neville but next time just do what everyone else does when they are pissed off and kick the hyper neon kid. Understood." Said Mcgoogle while dressed up in clothes that were covered in Yahoo! Advertisements.

"Understood" the three students chorused.

"right, now off to bed all of you!"

"Screw that we're going to the Ravenclaw party, I wanna try my luck at getting Cedric Cullen to turn me into a vampyre." Hermione said as she strutted out the door in her frog dress.

"He is not a vampyre, he's delusional!" said Ron trailing after her.

"Well if he's not a vampyre then why does he sparkle?" Hermione replied in a smug tone.

"Because he covers himself in glitter!" Ron said irritably.

With his head hung Neville followed his two enemy's friends out the door and up to the Ravenclaw tower were they found George being tortured in one corner and Fred mourning over a picture in the other.

After about half an hour of everyone drinking vodka and listening to Marilyn Manson, Draco and Harry sauntered into the room and went to the iPod speakers and changed the music to MCR and they both jumped up onto the table and did high kicks while singing along to "Dead!" at the end of the song they stopped and looked at everyone and noticed that the Goths were all holding knives and slowly moving towards them. They then legged it out the room and the music was changed back to Marilyn Manson.

For Neville Longbottom it was going to be long night and so he just got pissed and woke up in his bed and found George on one side of him and Fred on the other.

_Happy Halloween._

**Told you the ending was scary! And in case your wondering, Cedric ignored Hermione the entire night after he found out her name wasn't Bella.**

**Hope you liked this weeks chapter! Cant wait to get started on the next one "Hogwarts a Christmas Musical"**

**Doesn't the review button just look so clickable! click it! if you do Justin Bieber will die! YAY! **


	5. Neville Longbottom and the Santa Horror

**I am so sorry that I never updated! But you dont care about that so here's the chapter! I know I said that this would be a musical but it just never happened so here's this instead! Its still the christmas chapter though! Hope you like it! Also my beta Hades does still exist but I cant be arsed to get her to check this and I really wanna put it up now so here you go!**

**Christmas day**

iRon woke up in his ibed. "Err hey this is about me!" said iNeville!

Fine! iNeville woke up in his ibed and realised that is was ichristmas and discovered that everything was now made by apple. It slowly idawned on him that he was at iHogwarts! And iNAN WASN'T THERE. He began to run round in icircles isqueling with ijoy!

* * *

Down in the icommon room iRon, iFred and iGeorge sat looking up at the idoor of the boy's idormitory wondering what the hell was going on.

iRon turned to iFred. "Did you turn iNeville in to an iPig?"

"OMG iFred! How could you do that without me?" exclaimed iGeorge.

"What? I never did anything!" iFred (insert random verb here)

"YOU iTRAITOROUS iBASTARD!" iGeorge screamed as he ran from the iroom!

* * *

After running round in icircles iNeville went down the istairs to open his ipresents but was idisappointed to see the ifat bastard, iGoth and igay kid! However he went and sat on the ifloor with them to open the ipresents. They had all received ijumpers from Mrs. iWeasley.

iRon opened one of his ipresents and inside was an ihat! He reached into the ihat and pulled out a neon green irabbit with glowing evil red eyes! iRon screamed! Holding it by the ears he jumped up and started islamming it against the iwall screaming "DIE! DIE! DIE!" Before finally throwing it out the iwindow! However the iwindow was closed and this resulted in it ismashing and as iHermione wasn't there, none of them could ifix the iwindow and so iGeorge smacked him upside the ihead.

Sighing iNeville opened his ipresent from his iNan. It was an iletter saying "lose some weight!" _Thanks iNan _iNeville thought as he opened his third and final ipresent. He didn't know who it was from but that it must have been an ijoke. For it was a can of icoke. (Hey that rhymed)

"I know what that is!" said iRon in an awestruck ivoice. "That's an invisibility cloak!"

"Err iRon? It's a can of icoke!" iNeville replied

"WELL IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT THAT THE STUPID AUTHOR OF THIS GOD DAMN THING HAS MESSED WITH THE PLOT LINE SO BLOODY MUCH THAT NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE ANYMORE! ALL I KNOW IS THAT MY ORIGINAL LINE WAS THAT! AND I AM NOT LEARNING SOME POINTLESS SHIT JUST FOR HER AMUSEMENT! AND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE FUCKING I'S? THEY ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING!"" iRon roared.

iFred walked towards iRon slowly with his hands outstretched in a gesture of ipeace "iRon calm done, take deep relaxing ibreaths." He said in a soothing ivoice.

"FUCK OFF" iRon yelled in ifrustration.

"Right well anyway if this was an invisibility idrink then wouldn't it run out really iquickly?" iNeville asked hoping to change the isubject.

"Just use a refill spell dipshit!" iRon said in a slightly more calmer ivoice.

"What's the refill ispell?" asked a confused iNeville

"SHUTUPYOUSTUPIDFUCKINGTWAT!" iRon yelled

Shrugging iNeville picked up a glass from the itable that someone had left and pointed his iwand at it repeating the ispell. Instead of refilling with the idrink that had previously been in it, it instead itransformed into something much much worse! IT TURNED INTO JUSTIN BIEBER!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed the four iboys as they dived for the portrait ihole to get away from the horrific isinging! Once outside they slammed the idoor shut.

"Well! Who's up for some Christmas dinner?" asked iRon with a smile.

The three other iboys just looked at each other. Then with an ishrug they agreed and all went to the great ihall.

* * *

**(Ok the I's are pissing me off so im just gonna leave them out now)**

The four boys walked into the great hall and sat at the table in the centre of the room with the rest of the students who had stayed for the Christmas holidays. There was a boy from Ravenclaw dressed in black who Fred sat next to. They began to sacrifice Trevor after Neville threw it at them. There was also a kid from Hufflepuff who was singing about fairies. Well. That was before Fred threw the now dissected Trevor at her and she ran screaming!

Then Draco and Harry walked into the room. They were wearing leather bondage outfits and carrying whips. The other students stared as they sat down.

"What?" harry asked in an innocent way.

Before anyone could answer, the teachers walked in. Everyone groaned. They were all stumbling over their feet and smelt like fire whiskey. They were clearly pissed. But then to everyone's complete horror, Dumbledore walked in, in a skimpy Santa Claus outfit that was intended for a woman.

The teachers all sat down around the table wedging themselves between the poor children.

"Well! Does anyone have any carols they would like to sing?" asked Dumbledore as he put his red sequined stilettos on the table.

"SCREW CAROLS!" yelled Snape as he jumped up onto the table and began to strip to "shake your groove thing" under his robes he was wearing golden short shorts that were WAY too tight, and a neon green bikini top! Everyone stared in horror unable to scream, except Dumbledore who got really into it and joined him on the table.

"Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah  
Show 'em how we do it now  
Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah  
Show 'em how we do it now, show 'em how we do it now"

By the end of the song all the teachers were on the table and had stripped off their clothes.

"Well! Wasn't that fun!" exclaimed Dumbledore as he sat back into his seat.

By the time the food arrived all the students felt sick from the old wrinkly bodies of the teachers that they just ran from the room. Except Harry and Draco who seemed to be having quite a lot of fun!

* * *

On the way back to the common room, the four boys ran into a group of four squirrels! The squirrels were dressed in track suits and were smoking cigarettes! They all turned to look at the boys!

"Squeak" The leader of the group said.

The four boys just looked at each other. They didn't speak squirrel. Hermione did.

The squirrels then pulled out knives and chains from their pockets and advance on the boys slowly! As they turned to run they saw that behind them was the army of hamsters that they had been warned about at some random point in time. They had nowhere to run. They were in deep shit now.

"Shit!" was the last thing any of them said before erupting into screams that could be heard from all around the castle.

**Just so you know, Trevor will be coming back! He's like Voldemort! No matter how many times you kill, him he keeps on coming back! Also I dont know when I'll update next because I have no idea what I'm doing for the next chapter! I should probably introduce Fluffy. Anyway reviews are appreciated as they tell me whether this is actually any good! Thanks! :) Also if anyone had any funny verbs to put in at the top where fred speaks, tell me!**


	6. Neville Longbottom and the he she dog

**Well this took awhile to update didn't it? Ah well! I finally realised what I needed to do for this and I even have the next two chapters planned out…sort of. And imp not really but for those who are actually reading this story and had to wait ages for this update, I am sorry. And don't you just love how in harry potter they have the lessons on their first day there and then after that all they have are one DADA lesson each year except in the third were they have a couple of them and also a divination class?**

**Also I just realised something while watching the first film, when Harry's talking to the snake in the muggle zoo he must be speaking parseltongue for the snake to understand him, yet none of the muggles that walk past him find it weird in the slightest, Dudley even runs over and doesn't find it strange! What the fuck is up with that? **

**and thanks to my beta hades for proof reading this and helping me with ideas! you ROCK!**

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The Hogwarts Christmas break is _finally_ over. I know what you're thinking, "how long is there fucking Christmas holiday?" well they made it so long that it included Easter as well! Back to the story.

All the students had returned and everyone was having breakfast in the great hall, everything was back to normal at Hogwarts. However this is my Hogwarts so normal is sorta different. Different in the sense that the Ravenclaw's were sacrificing a dead chicken, the Hufflepuff's were all sporting Justin Bieber hair, the Slytherin's were dancing on the table to Lady GaGa's "Judas" and the GryffIndor's were setting each other fire! Completely normal. And oh yeah, Dumbledore, Snape and Quirrel were dressed up as the Jonas brothers as they had lost a bet to the talking cat.

Neville had just extinguished his hair when he sat down to eat and suddenly realised something of epic proportion.

"Oh shit!" he said as he slammed his head into a bowl of acid "AHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What's wrong?" Neville turned to see that Ron had slid into the seat next to him and had begun to start drinking his acid.

"Well firstly I'm missing half my face, secondly you are now drinking acid that has the missing half of my face in it and thirdly we've missed out half the god damn plot of this bloody story!"

"Why, what did we miss out?" Hermione asked with an incredibly short haircut.

"Where the hell did you come from? And what happened to your hair?" Ron asked in confusion

"I came from my mother you idiot! And you may not have noticed but we're all setting each other on fire and so my hair has just burnt off and I'm now left with guy hair although it is quite cute even though in the films/books this is never meant to happen, it is only supposed to happen to the actress that plays me" the smartass explained.

"...whatever, anyway what did we miss?"

"Well we were meant to go to the third floor like ages ago and find Fluffy, then talk to Hagrid about her, find out she was guarding something, decide Snape was evil and that he was trying to get whatever it was and decided that "it" was the philosophers stone" Neville told them calmly.

"You said she, Fluffy's a boy" Hermione argued

"If she's a boy then why the fuck is she called Fluffy? And how would you know, we haven't met her yet!"

"Yeah but when Hagrid tells us about her he says he not her so therefore she is a he"

"But he hasn't told us about her yet because we don't know she exists"

"If we don't know she exists then how can we be talking about her?"

"She's got a point Neville, besides in the film he definitely says he"

"Oh for fuck sake! Look it doesn't matter if she's a he or she alright! The point is we need to go and use a simple spell that even first years know to get into a room with an animal that can easily kill us and run away screaming and have only Hermione notice that it was standing on a trap door"

"But if we already now all this then why do we have to bother?"

"Because its fun to run up to Snape and say "bother bother bother" over and over again!" Ron said in a very high pitched voice as he began to giggle. Yes, giggle.

"We're not doing it because of that! We're doing it because its part of the plot!"

"But there's no point"

"YES THERE FUCKING IS!" Neville screamed a _little_ too loudly

*crickets chirping*

"I just yelled that really loud didn't I?"

"Longbottom! Granger! Weasley! Language like that is not tolerated at Hogwarts! You mother fuckers shall have detention tonight with me!" old cat McDonald yelled from the front of the hall

"But we're not supposed to get detention yet! Cant remember when we're supposed to get it but we get it when Draco tells on us for being out of bed after hours to see Hagrid's dragon *rest of hall starts sniggering* then you give us detention with him as well in the forest with Hagrid and his dragon gets sent to Romania!"

"Well in that case Draco you got detention too and Hagrid give me that damn egg! You four shall report to Hagrid's hut at the end of dinner this evening!"

"Well in that case, seeming as though we don't have anymore lessons until DADA next year we might as well go see Fluffy!"

"What did you say?" Mcdoodle asked in a deadly voice while juggling some monkeys.

"Shh you! You're not supposed to know this part!" Ron glared at her before the three of them ran off.

Hermione being the annoying bitch that she is decided that on their way there she would start up conversation.

"So what else have we got to do today so that we catch up with plot?"

"Urgh! Do you never shut up? Well lets see, we have to do this, then we have a Quidditch match in which I almost die, then we got detention tonight and other than that I cant think of anything else significant to the plot"

"Ooh look we're here! Uh I'm shit at magic so I'm just gonna kick the door in!" Ron's famous last words as he stepped away from the door and did a run up and slammed straight into it.

"Why the fuck do I marry you?" Hermione sighed sadly looking down at where he had fallen to the floor.

"How the hell should...wait what? We get married? Oh god no! Neville please kill me!"

"Urgh *eyeroll* openasesamestreet" the door opened and somehow her hair grew back as well.

The three dipshits walked into the room and found a GIGANTIC three headed dog in front of them.

"OH GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE!" the greedy fat one began to cry.

Neville quickly punched him in the face to get him to shut up, this however just made him cry louder.

"Isn't it lucky that it's asleep and that Ron's crying isn't waking it up?" Hermione wondered

"Yeah I guess it is pretty lucky that this isn't waking her up and oh fuck! Trevor! What the fuck are you doing?" Neville began freaking out as the toad hopped into the room and made its way over to the dog before slapping it across one of its heads with the head from the Ravenclaw's dead chicken.

The he-she dog woke up and because it wasn't on a leash it tried to kill them as Trevor ran from the room.

"Oh for fuck sake!" Hermione and Neville yelled as they dragged a weeping Ron from the room locking the door behind them.

"Ok. We came, we saw, we almost died, now we just need to kill Trevor somehow and perform a musical number or two" Hermione said while ticking things off on her fingers.

"Yeah then we can end this chapter and start work on the next one which will be the only Quidditch match in the entire year even though there's meant to be shit loads between each house. Eh! Less chance of me dying!" Neville said with a shrug. "OK, we need to sing something."

"I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!" yelled Ron "I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on yo-OWWWW! Why did you just punch me?"

"BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP."

"You said we needed to sing!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, the worst creature to ever walk the planet showed up….it was Rebecca Black!

"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!"

"!" they all screamed in horror as she sang before finally throwing her over banister and watching her fall to her death.

"Actually, I thought she was quite good…" Hermione and Neville slowly turned to Ron before both punching him in the face as hard as they could

Looking very unsteady on his feet he muttered "I'm a magical butterfly" before collapsing to the ground unconscious

Suddenly Trevor appeared on the banister and croaked out "I don't wanna live anymore!" before dramatically jumping to his death, Hermione and Neville rushed over to see over to banister just in time to see Trevor go SPLAT right on top of Snape's head who had been dancing over the girls dead body.

"Aw shit, duck!" the two dived down before Snape could look up and see them.

"Fuck sake Neville, can we just cut to the end and start writing out your death scene now?" Ron groaned out from where he had fallen to the floor and cracked open the back of his skull.

"Nice to see how much you care douche..." Neville said under his breath as he walked away to the Quidditch pitch *Cue overly dramatic music and camera angle showing him walking into the distance* Neville then ruined the mood by starting to sing.

"Bob the builder, can we fix it, bob the builder, yes we CAN!"

Then Harry and Draco ruined the mood even more by jumping out wearing very revealing bunny costumes. They both started to sing:

"Ooh I'm a gummy bear, yes I'm a gummy bear, ooh am a yummy tummy funny lucky gummy bear."

Neville ran, screaming for dear life in hope that this never-ending nightmare would soon end. But this is only the very beginning…

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**Feel free to review after reading my mind child that took forEVER! Seriously I've been writing this chapter for days! I even put "My Immortal commentary" on hold this! But it was very fun to write! I may actually start writing this regularly from now on!**


	7. Neville Longbottom and the Ostriches

**OH YEAH! NEVILLE'S BACK! AND HE BROUGHT HIS FRIENDS, well…I guess you could call them friends…sort of, ish, kinda. ANYWAY! I finally finished this chapter due to you all being whiny bitches and asking for an update, okay it was about two people but still!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of this shit and I still haven't got the damn Pottermore welcome email yet! Proving that I own nothing! If I did I would be fucking Neville as we speak who just so happens to have become to sexiest wizard EVER!**

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As Neville walked into the Gryffindor changing room to get ready for a game that he had never played let alone understood, he was greeted by a sight that he would never wish to see in a million years. Fred and George were dressed up as monkeys and were doing pelvic thrusts in Oliver Woods direction.

"You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel!" the twins sang while slowly advancing on the terrified young man while doing a well rehearsed erotic dance while Wood was clearly living up to his name despite his public fear, if he was in fact alone with the twins however he would be humping their legs off.

"AHHHH! I'M BLIND!" Neville screamed whilst covering his innocent eyes.

"Oh please! If anything we just turned you gay-"

"-with are complete and utter sexiness-"

"-because even in full body monkey suits-"

"-no one in this whole school has anything on us!" Forge finally finished looking smug

"…that was just creepy" said the man with green eggs and ham.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" Oliver screamed at the man with green eggs and ham.

Suddenly everyone started yelling and throwing tin foil at the man with green eggs and ham.

"I don't get it! What's wrong with the man with green eggs and ham?" Neville asked in confusion.

"Here in Gryffindor we do not like green eggs and ham! The Slytherins like green eggs and ham and this is their butler who all day long serves them green eggs and ham!" Wood explained with a woodchuck on his wood. This of course made the girls curious as to how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.(apparently its 700 pounds….)

"How come we don't have a butler?" Neville asked looking away from the woodchuck who himself was wondering how much wood would it chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood and instead looked towards the man with green eggs and ham. "because we're not harry freakin potter, that's why!" was the reply. "and how come this butler with green eggs and ham looks like he's brain dead?" Neville asked looking at the melting face of the man with green eggs and ham.

"Oh. Erm…that's because he kinda is. We sorta scooped his brain out a couple years ago and so then he thought it was a good idea to eat the green eggs and ham and that's why he looks brain dead and is also green." Oliver muttered while looking down at his woodchucker thinking in horror just how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Neville just looked at him and everyone else as they all turned their attention to the woodchuck all thinking about how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. "Ok fuck this it's getting kinda awkward just staring at Woods wood so where's my outfit that I have to wear for this?" Neville said finally breaking the silence and looking away from the woodchuck on Woods wood.

Neville was suddenly handed a Donald Duck outfit. Taking it from whoever handed it to him, he stared at the outfit in fear. "What. The. Fuck. Is this?" he asked eyes wide.

"Oh. Yeah. I forgot to mention that the Gryffindor teams outfits are Elton john inspired..." Wood explained finally getting rid of the woodchuck and shooing both it and the man with green eggs and ham away.

"You have got to be kidding me, what do the other teams wear?" the duck man asked once he had put on his outfit and was now looking at everyone else as they put on their EJ inspired clothing. Fred had just thrown on a white toga like thing which was then ignored as he then pulled on a wig of gold curly hair that went all the way down to his hips and had two pointed bits on the top of his head while George was looking glamorous in his neon pink suit will silver thrills and a hat to match. The girls, Angelina, Alicia and Kate however where going for the feathered look and Angelina was wearing a white suit with massive feathers on the shoulders while Katie just appeared to be a massive mound of gold feathers and Alicia simply looked like a red peacock!

"Well seeming as though this is the only game in the entire film I'll just tell you now instead of doing a pointless suspense thingamanoonna. We are Elton john inspired, Hufflepuff is muppets inspired, Slytherin are lady gaga and Ravenclaw are gothic turtles." Oliver replied whilst putting on a MASSIVE white silvery fur thing with a giant white wig.

"Ok how the fuck are you going to defend the goals dressed like that?" Neville said looking him up and down as they all walked towards the opening to the field "and how the hell to we even play this game? We never had any practice!"

"Just don't ask questions" Wood said as they walked out onto the pitch.

Well what could be called a pitch, sort of, ish, ok it wasn't a pitch it was a giant fucking bouncy castle.

"Holy shit, how the fuck do we play this game? AHHHHHHHHH" Neville quickly dived out of the way of an out of control ostrich.

"On them things" Oliver said as he walked over to a pen full of ostriches and picked out one and climbed on top of it as did the rest of the team "we're all gonna fucking die" duck face muttered as he walked towards the pen and picked out a fat ostrich in a neon green shirt.

The entire team was sitting on their ostriches and were in position as they waited for the Slytherin team to come out, while they waited Neville looked around the stadium. In the stands he could see all of Slytherin covering themselves in glitter whilst throwing skittles and screaming "TASTE THE RAINBOW BITCH!" at the other houses and throwing Frisbees to one another. The Hufflepuff's were all on acid and waving their hands in front of their faces and Cedric Diggory was running in circles flapping his arms saying "I'm a magical butterfly" whilst Susan Bones was having a bit of a bad trip and was running across the field screaming "HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK IM BEING CHASED BY A FUCKING DRAGON!"and of course the Ravenclaw's took advantage of this and grabbed said Hufflepuff and sacrificed her in hopes that Satan would answer their prayers and kill Justin Bieber. And oh yeah the Gryffindor's were singing dancing queen and having a dance party.

Looking up from all of this Neville was then further disturbed by the fact that their was a penguin with an ice cream stand on the pitch and all the teachers were up in their own stand smoking weed and were all dressed up as pac man.

Finally the Slytherin team came out. Harry being the seeker was dressed up in a bubble outfit whilst Draco who was a beater was in a Kermit the frog dress and Marcus flint was wearing a lobster hat, and the other guys were wearing A. A meat dress B. A weird spirally silver frame dress thing C. Just a giant egg and the last member of the team, the keeper, wasn't dressed up as lady gaga as this member was the giant squid, that's right, he got a fucking part in this unlike in the film!

All the Slytherin players then selected their ostriches to play on except for the giant squid that sorta ate his…hers…whatever the fuck that thing is and everyone moved into position, of course no one knows how to ride an ostrich and so they were all running around like headless chickens. To make matters worse the Ravenclaws had brought a bunch of chickens to sacrifice and were now chopping their heads off and then allowing them to run around the bouncy castle like…well headless chickens. Unfortunately the ghosts were smoking with the teachers and nearly headless Nick got offended by this and started throwing snowballs at everyone on the ostriches. As a result of this Marcus Flint fell off of his and was trampled to death which is why we never see him again after this game.

"HOW THE HELL ARE THESE THINGS RUNNING ON A BOUNCY CASTLE?" Neville screamed as he held onto the ostrich's neck for dear life. As if on cue the ostriches stopped running and began bouncing making them a lot easier to hold onto somehow. Once the ostriches had calmed down and were staying still and the houses had finally stopped fucking around and the teachers had ran out of weed Madam Hooch stumbled her away across the bouncy castle towards the centre but not without constantly falling over before she finally reached the centre and said "you all know the fucking rules!" and then attempted to walk back off without falling which she failed at epically before blowing the whistle.

The noise sent the ostriches insane which began to bounce and bash into each other uncontrollably killing all of the unnamed players. Neville however was fine because of the fact that his ostrich was fat, as in fat cat fat! The damn thing was so damn heavy that it couldn't even bounce; it was amazing the thing was even able to run in the first place! Neville's ostrich was so heavy that it was making a giant dip in the bouncy castle to the point where it touched the actual floor causing all the other ostriches to head in his direction, screaming he dived out the way and landed in front of the penguin before it shoved an ice cream cone into his ear and waddled off.

After pulling out the cone he looked up at the crowd to find that everyone had left except for Seamus who then made a KABOOM! The stands all blew up which somehow meant that Gryffindor had won!

After ripping off the duck suit and then running from screaming fan girls, Neville found himself in the common room. And there was a giant fucking party. Giant as in all the houses were there for reasons unknown and EVERYONE was going insane! But then again who wouldn't when the song playing is "party hard" by Andrew wk.

"LET'S GET A PARTY GOIN! LET'S GET A PARTY GOIN! NOW IT'S TIME TO PARTY AND WE'LL PARTY HARD! PARTY HARD! LET'S GET A PARTY GOIN! LET'S GET A PARTY GOIN! WHEN IT'S TIME TO PARTY WE WILL ALWAYS PARTY HARD!" the entire room screamed as the Gryffindor's danced on tables and punched each other in the face, the Hufflepuff's were shooting heroin in the corner, the Ravenclaw's were eating a live goat and the Slytherin's… were kissing daisies. Strange.

Neville stood there in awe wondering what the fuck was happening as he was suddenly shoved aside by the rest of the quidditch team who then joined the party by beating Dobby with a book (sorry dobby) and throwing spinach at the portraits. Ron and Hermione appeared from the crowd and ran up to Neville, thinking they would explain what the hell was going on he stood there waiting for them to reach him, however he was a bit surprised when Ron punched him in the face and threw him to the floor screaming "TOUCH DOWN!"

"Ronald you're a pure blood, you shouldn't be familiar with muggle sports" Hermione spoke in a condescending tone before running off upstairs with Draco.

"What the hell! I thought he was dating harry!"

"Who's dating me?"

"Draco!"

"Yeah he is"

"But he just ran upstairs with Hermione"

"THAT LITTLE SLUT" Harry screamed before running up the stairs after them.

Meanwhile Neville was secretly trying to crawl towards the portrait hole with a broken and bleeding nose hoping no one would notice him, unfortunately the wannabe vampire Cedric saw him and made a big deal out of how he could "smell" the blood before saying that he mustn't because he "cared" about human life and didn't want to be a monster, well that was until Bella showed up and hit him in the face with baseball bat and told him to grow a pair.

Once everyone was distracted by Bella beating the shit out of Edward and Harry ripping out Hermione's hair who was half naked with a completely naked Draco in the background, Neville was able to escape the common room only to be encountered by the twins.

"Oh for fuck sake, not you guys!"

"Hey what's wrong with-"

"-us? We're bloody brilliant we-"

"-are! Not if you don't mind-"

"-we need to head down to the-"

"-kitchens! Wood wants some more house-"

"-elves to kick the shit out of!"

"It's creepy how you guys do that…" Neville said before heading up the stairs whilst the twins went down, he originally planned to head down to the lake to drown himself to escape this nightmare but he didn't want to end up anywhere near the twins so instead opted to jump off of the top of the tower.

As Neville stood on the very edge of the glassless window thingy or hole in the wall as I like to call it, he uttered one final wish…

"I hope everyone here fucking dies"

And with that he jumped to his death, nah not really! There's a protective shield around the castle for moments like these, you know? For when students feel suicidal because everyone is batshit crazy, sooooooooo when he went to jump, he simply bounced off of the shield and was thrown back into the room and smacked his head against the wall knocking him out.

**20 MINUTES LATER**

Neville awoke to the sound of shattering glass and when he opened his eyes he saw the source of the noise. Hermione and Ron had found him but seeing him unconscious decided to throw glass bottles at each other for fun.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?"

"We came to look for you to tell you that we need to head over to Hagrids but you were passed out so now were trying to cut each other"

"…whatever, alright let's just get this fucking over wi-FUCK SAKE!"

"What?"

"Trevor!" Neville screamed whilst gesturing towards the toad which had just hopped into the room.

"I thought it killed itself"

"So did I Ron, so did I, but it seems we are FUCKING SCREWED TO BE FOLLOWED BY THIS GODDAMN THING FOREVER AND WE'LL BE FORCED TO KILL IT EVERY DAMN CHAPTER!"

Out of nowhere Gerard Way walked in dressed as a chick and he ate Trevor before he flew off into the night…

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…**yeah I don't know where that came from either**

**But god doesn't that review button just look so damn hot? Like Johnny Depp hot? Like you wanna click it over and over again and leave so many damn reviews until you contract a reviewing STD? **


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